Will You Catch Me When I Fall
by Jibaku-Chan
Summary: *Songfic* Gaz takes a walk on a windowledge. To "If I Fall"by Barenaked Ladies.


Title: Will You Catch Me When I Fall   
Author: Jibaku-chan   
Summary:Gaz takes a walk on the ledge of a building. To the song "If I Fall" by Barenaked Ladies.   
  
AN: This is one of the weirdest things, IZ or otherwise, I've ever written. For Dani, my super betagirl and the smartest shade of blue I've ever seen, with love.   
  
(I look straight in the window, try not to look below   
Pretend I'm not up here, try counting sheep   
But the sheep seem to shower off this office tower   
Nine-point-eight straight down I can't stop my knees.)   
  
"Ms. Gaz? Please take a seat in the waiting room."   
  
I give the receptionist a quick nod and plunk down in a seat. It's a cheap little reception office, the chair is poorly padded and the upholstery is scratchy. This all bugs me, most things about this do.   
  
  
My Dad is making me go here on advice of the skool counselors. Apparently they think I'm a little disturbed because I wear a skull. Screw THEM. I like skulls. I like black stuff. That doesn't mean I wanna DIE or anything.   
  
Fuck! I forgot my Gameslave. I can see it in my mind's eye, still on the seat of that bus I had to take here cause Dad couldn't leave the lab. So what the hell do I do now? I'll be here for another 10 minutes, that doctor is ALWAYS late. So...   
  
I look out the window, and immediately wish I hadn't, seeing as how we are on the 13th story. It's high up, really high on one of those glass uberscrapers that are so popular downtown around here...I glance down, see the people looking like ants, and gulp. I look up. I am not this high, I am not, it's only 2 stories to the ground, that's all...shit, its not working. I'm trembling. I remember once, when Dib was still interested in educating me in the ways of the world, he tried to assuage my fear of heights by telling me that I would have 1 second per 9.8 meters of drop for me to figure out what to do.  
  
It didn't work. Even now, my knees are shaking as that stupid doctor walks in and clears his throat for my attention.   
  
(I wish I could fly   
From this building, from this wall   
And if I should try,   
Would you catch me if I fall?)   
  
"Gaz." He holds his hand out. Instead of shaking it, I stand up and glare at him. He sighs, then walks in front of me. "I wish we could be friends..."   
  
"Yeah, well, I wish I could fly," I grunt in response.   
  
"That's interesting." I can see him nodding out of the corner of my eye. Smug bastard. he says he's here to help me, but if I took a flying leap he wouldn't go a step out of his way to catch me.   
  
(My hands clench the squeegee, my secular rosary   
Hang on to your wallet, hang on to your rings   
Can't look below me, or something might throw me   
Curse at the windstorms that October brings.)   
  
We sit in his office, him in a swively chair behind his huge psuedoimpressive desk and me in a straightback wooden chair behind it. I give him a steady glare and finger my necklace nervously.   
  
"That's a very interesting necklace for a young girl to own," he says as a way of starting the conversation.   
  
I up the glare a little. "It's a secular rosary."   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"I count the beads. There's only one, so it's easy."   
  
"Oh." He fingers his wedding ring. I'm making him nervous. This pleases me. "What do you believe in?"   
  
Evil grin. "It's a skull, Doctor. What do you think." I can't look away from him, can't look him in the eyes, can't look anywhere. It might throw this thing I'm cultivating, this angry blur, and I want to keep it. "Can I open a window?"   
  
He raises an eyebrow. "It's October. The winds will be fierce."   
  
I shrug and go over anyway. I open the window. And then, just on a whim, I climb out.   
  
(I look in the boardroom; a modern pharaoh's tomb   
I'd gladly swap places, if they care to dive   
They're lined up at the window, peer down into limbo   
They're frightened of jumping, in case they survive.)   
  
I'm standing on a ledge 13 stories up from the ground, and for some reason, I'm not frightened. I'm not scared at all. This is odd, because I'm normally scared to death of heights like this. But it's more liberating then anything else, exhilarating, a beautiful thing to do. I start walking, slowly, ignoring the angry shouts of my psychiatrist. I know he won't come out after me.   
  
I edge along. I reach the window of a boardroom. I think it's one anyway, filled with gruff looking men in suits with faces stern as the Egyptian gods that line a Pharaoh's tomb. I smile. One of them glances up and gawks at me. Surely they think I'm going to take a flying leap...I just wanted to say hello. I'd even offer to trade them, if they'd like. I know they won't, they're as cowardly as my psychiatrist. They're afraid they'll survive and feel the pain. I find this amusing for some reason. Then again, I find lots of things   
amusing that I probably shouldn't.   
  
(I wish I could step from this scaffold   
Onto soft green pastures, shopping malls, or bed   
With my family and my pastor and my grandfather who's dead)   
  
I climb onto a scaffolding that's been erected up the building. They're fixing the molding on the big stone gargoyle that watches over the place. I finger my skull again, remembering when I was little and we went to that huge church for my grandfather's funeral. It had gargoyles like this. When I was younger, things were different. I didn't despise the mall, but had fun there. Me and Dib would play on my grandfather's farm. For that matter, my grandfather was still alive. I'm happy with who I am now, I think, but I still have a little nostalgia for those days...I wouldn't mind hopping off of this scaffold onto one of those soft green pastures I remember so well. But it won't happen.   
  
(Look straight in the mirror, watch it come clearer   
I look like a painter, behind all the grease   
But painting's creating, and I'm just erasing   
A crystal-clear canvas is my masterpiece)   
  
I hear sirens. The dumb psychiatrist must have called the police. Bastard. I knew I hated him for a reason. I clamber off of the scaffolding and back onto the ledge.   
  
I glance into one of the windows, catch my reflection. Have I always looked this pale? Too much time inside with the GameSlave, I guess. In this outfit, with this hair, I look like some sort of avant-garde artiste. I'm just a kid, though. Oh well, bigger mistakes have been made.   
  
I open a window, and hop back in like nothing happened. Before they can figure out what happened, I've taken the fire stairs to the bottom of the building and slip out the back. They can say what they like, call my father, schedule more appointments, but as far as I'm   
concerned, it never happened. I'll erase it, make the lack of experience a masterpiece in my mind alone...   
  
At least I'm not afriad of heights any more.   
  
Jibaku-chan  
*Proud supporter of IZ slash!*  
"Open your heart. Straddle the fence. Obey the fist."


End file.
